Dealing with Raggamuffins | Part 2

Quickly their slink turns into a bound, and like deranged and highly over-sexualised Gibbons they block your path to the local shop.

A predicament indeed, and sadly one all too common in this day and age, however all is not lost for the guide will now help you decide which course of action to take. Let us return now to the predicament.

‘What are you lookin’ at you prick?’ bellows one of the Bonobos ‘look at that gay moustache, or lady merkin!”

You decide to simply ignore them, try to squeeze past them. Turn the other cheek, however the Raggamuffins see this as aggression and respond in the only way they know how. They call in reinforcements.

To your horror you hear the unmistakable sound of six hairdryers in the distance; they are getting closer, it is only a matter of time, you must defuse this situation now!

The situation has blown out of all proportion; you did not anticipate that Raggamuffins could call in reinforcements, furthermore you did not think that they would make good on their demeanour. This situation has three possible routes to take.

Option 1

Gingerly you open your mouth to speak, but to your anger nothing comes out. Unable to defend yourself verbally, you have no choice but to run! You burst through their blockade, causing chimps to flail through the air and thud onto the ground. As you run towards the shop you hear the hairdryers arrive into the melee. You turn to look back and you see chimps jumping onto the hairdryers. Determined to outrun them you increase your pace, ‘I will get to the shop! I will!’ you shout to yourself. Cutting across front gardens you make it to the shop, but as you enter the doorway a heavy and powerful Gorilla arm lands on your shoulder and pulls you back out into the street.

Flailing wildly you reach in vain for anything you can, anything you can use as a weapon to even the odds. Your hand brushes against something, you know not what it is but you do know that it is small enough for you to grab. You swing your arm back into the brawl and to your astonishment you have grabbed a dog leash ‘yes! A garrotte!’ you cry. You immediately try to wrap it round one of the Silverback’s necks, and to your complete surprise a dog is still attached to the other end of the leash.

In the confusion of teeth, garrottes, dogs and hairdryers, you are outnumbered 11 to 1 and it does not take long for the inevitable to happen.

You lie in a heap of blood, dog hair and monkey droppings in front of the shop.

As you can see, option 1 did not work out. Here you lie beaten to a pulp on the pavement outside the shop. Clearly ignoring the Raggamuffins is not a viable option.

Option 2

“When the dark streets appeared to heave and gape,

while like a sea the storming army came,

and fire from hell reared his gigantic shape

and murder, by the ghastly gleam, and rape” you confidently recite.

‘Do you see?’ you ask, rhetorically.

‘Perhaps I should put it more… bluntly.

You sirs are clodhopping cretins of the highest degree,

I hardly think a child would fear thee.

For you see, it was me, by the old Pear tree,

who did first decree, in 1983, that by the power in me,

I shall willingly rid of these streets the dregs of society.’

Oddly this seems only to antagonise them more, and to your surprise, whilst you were spitting some bars on the fly, you have been completely surrounded by the Raggamuffins and their mounted Sloth-like companions. ‘But from whence did they come?’ you ask yourself. You did not hear them approach. Now completely surrounded there is only one option left, try to fight your way free.

Unbeknownst to you, by allowing yourself to become surrounded, and by trying to belittle them, you had set your fate in stone. During the fisticuffs, you were stabbed in the stomach. You were taken to a local hospital, however the delightful upper-middle class contents of your stomach leaked into the rest of your body, wasn’t spotted by your doctors, went septic and killed you.

Clearly option 2 is no good either, that is unless you have a rather bountiful life insurance policy. However, if that is not the case then you leave behind a wife or husband or other such partner, two-point-five children, half a dog and two-thirds of a cat with a mortgage they cannot pay off. It is clear then that a third option is required. And as luck would have it, there is, however it requires us to go back a little further.

Option 3

Content with your list of titbits, you reach for you jacket and head for the front door. ‘Wait’ you think to yourself ‘I’ve forgotten my anti-Raggamuffin kit.’ You turn to face the dresser-come-shoe cabinet, and delve into the top drawer. You rummage through your kit, only requiring one or two things for such a short trip. Among the items an undercover camouflage hoody (to blend in); stick-on faux contagious facial lesions; a Dictaphone with additional loudspeaker for playing of cuss or slang terms recorded during previous confrontations should one get accosted, in an attempt to blend in further (best used in conjunction with hoody). However there is no time for confrontation today, as the chicken is almost done but still lacks gravy, and heaven forbid having to use the emergency UHT milk for the custard. It’s time to bring out the big guns; you pocket a small tin.

You sashay up the street towards the green of such good memories, however your path soon becomes blocked by a troupe of howling monkeys. They quickly surround you, but you have the strength and nerve to remain calm. You slowly put your hand in your pocket and retrieve the small tin. Calmly you pop open the lid and hand the ringleader a small shiny object. He snatches it and leaps away from the group, cackling loudly. The others are confused, they know not what it is that the ringleader has, but they know that they want it. One of the smaller ones breaks away from the group and slowly makes its way toward the leader. With sincerity in his eye, the small one looks up at the leader with an outstretched hand. For a moment, the scene is one to be held in reverence, you can see a glint in the leader’s eye. But just as quickly as the glint appeared, it disappears when the betamale crashes into the scene determined to steal the shiny and the alphamale’s position. Immediately the scene erupts into one of mass panic and confusion. It is during this time that you make good your escape and proceed unhindered to the shop. As it happens they were out of Ahh Bisto for Chicken, so you will have to make do with Bisto for Beef.

Clearly option 3 is the best solution to a bad situation. But never let it be said that life is easy. Be under no illusion, it’s a scary world out there, but keep this guide by your side, and soon you’ll find yourself gliding through these sorts of situations and more.

Author: Dan

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