The Northerner’s Guide To London | Part 1

When I think of home, I think of the Pearly Kings and Queens, I think of being surrounded by equally rude and disinterested people, I think of skinheads and the wonderful opportunity of being stabbed-up-the-bracket.

It is my expert opinion that you Northerners are never fully prepared before you visit the big city. As such I have taken the time to amass some helpful tips, do’s and don’ts.

Firstly, you need to make an effort to learn the lingo, innit. Here is an example of proper England:

Don’t say “Aye’up mi’old matey”. This is a terrible faux pas, and is likely to get you thrown out of any public house or other such drinking establishment. There are two ways you could approach this greeting;

1: “Oi! You nonce!” This is an absolute sure-fire way to get you noticed in a busy setting, or;

2: “alright?” This is a rhetorical question, the response you are looking for is “alright?”. At no point may either party respond with a breakdown of how they are actually feeling, unless it is to complain about the government or yobs.

If it any point you spot a skinhead, you must immediately run up to him, slap him on the head 3 times, run around him and chant “Millwall’s fucking shit mate! And I bet you’re a nonce!”. This is the protocol in London and has been for many a year, far be it from you to try and change this tradition.

If you are travelling around our lovely capital by automobile and you want to fit in, then the best thing to do is to play any Madness album (except The Liberty of Norton Folgate), or Bad Manners album at full blast with all your windows open. Furthermore, if you want to go the whole hog, then why not smash in all your windows and pop out your door locks while you’re at it.

All Londoners have a complete working knowledge of both Madness and Bad Manners’ discography, among others, so you can rest assured that shouting “You Fat Bastard! You Fat Bastard! You Fat Bastard! You Fat Bastard!” at a fat bastard won’t cause any offense, as they will immediately recognise what you are referring to. They may even shout what would be considered obscenities anywhere else just to prove that they get the joke and reference. There’s even a possibility that they will invite you outside for a ‘knees up’.

In London, films such as “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”, “Snatch” & “This is England” are considered documentaries, and often mistaken for news, current affairs and even Crimewatch reconstructions.

I hope these have been helpful, and to get you started, I have linked to exactly the sort of thing you should be playing out of your car at full blast. (Track 15)

Author: Dan

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