Dealing with Discotheques

I once had the misfortune of allowing myself to be taken to a discotheque or, as I was told to call it, a club. These ‘clubs’ are not like pubs; there is no quiet seat in the corner near the fire with a paper. Rather they are smelly, dark, dirty places with disk jockeys playing bassy noises so loud that they’ll shake the very fillings from your teeth. If, that is, they survive the copious amounts of sugar-filled ‘drinks’ you are required to throw down your neck.

Normally I’m game for a nice real ale, or a fine single malt, but should you ever find yourself in one of these ‘clubs’, then I would strongly recommend you quickly down a few Hulks. I recommend this for the sole reason that the sugar content of just two Hulks will take the edge off the shock that will hit your system when you reach the ‘dance’ floor.

As you are no doubt aware, dancing in pubs is strictly prohibited, whilst Jazz or Blues bars, for example, actively encourage it. However the ‘dancing’ that takes place on these modern ‘dance’ floors is such that calling it a ‘distant cousin twice removed’ of Jive would be tantamount to perjury. Having said that even I, with my black belt level skills in Modern Jive and Line Dancing, would find it difficult to dance to the sorts of ‘beats’ that those deejays are pumping out of the subs. I suppose, in a way, we should congratulate those that frequent these sorts of establishments, really, as they have managed to mangle a dance style to suit these discorded bass lines.

The dancing isn’t the only thing on the dance floor that will distress you, oh no. The modern youth of today, which my close friends and family love to remind me that I am a part of; I think out of spite, like to dress as though synthetic fabric is rationed. It would seem that the rationale behind the dress code is to cover as little as is legally and thermally required, whilst not looking like trollop. Most fail, miserably.

Combine this sloven look with wanton ‘dance’ moves and you’ve got an image you’ll not soon forget, trust me.

Considering that in order to witness these frightful displays of adolescent idiocy you have to pay an entry fee, I am certain that both moral decency and regulatory laws are being contravened in the most spectacular of ways. I would hardly call my evening worth the £6.00 investment, plus drinks and psych evaluations afterwards.

The only advice I can really give you, is to stay away from these clubs at all costs, however should, in a period of relative serenity in a bathroom stall, you have stumbled upon this post, I can provide the following three-step guide on How to Get Out of the Club.

Step one:

First you need to find your way out of the bathroom. Depending on the town, this can be a treacherous task. Spent needles and prophylactics may litter the floor; there may even be a toilet attendant, though not of the Claridge’s kind. Once in the main club area, your first port of call should be the bar—don’t worry, you don’t have to drink the ‘drinks’ you buy, they are more props, though can be used as emergency glucose boosters should you require. Once at the bar, buy two Hulks, or other similar fluorescent liquid, and hold them at just a smidgen above chest height. Doing this will suggest to others that you are not alone, you know what you’re doing and that you’re not trying to leave before 2AM. Rather you are trying not to spill the precious tipple as you make your way across the crowded dance floor.

Step two:

Using your precious cargo as self-powered warning lights, slowly make your way across the dance floor. People will see that you are carrying alcohol and will move out of your way. Here alcohol rules as king, any fellow who spills a drop is punishable by drinking games, this includes you, so don’t spill your drinks.

Normally bouncers will guard all exits. Bouncers are large, brutish men, characterised by their leather-like coats and bald, egg-like heads.

Step three:

At this point, turn to face the bouncers and look sheepishly into their eyes.

(This next stage is crucial, if you fail, you will be stuck on the dance floor with two drinks and two bouncers who will have “taken an interest in you”.)

Feign a very slightly weak left knee. Stumble slightly on your left leg and go ever so slightly cross-eyed. Half-fill your cheeks with air and start to bend slightly at the middle. Step forward on your weak left leg and look up at one of the bouncers.

If you have done this correctly, the bouncers will assume that you are about to spew your guts up all over their nice clean dance floor. They’ll want to get you out of the club as quickly as possible and will force any groups of people blocking the exits out of the way.


Providing you have followed these instructions to the letter, you will now be out of the club, and on your way home. I hope you’ve learned your lesson, this blog might not be so easy to find next time.

Author: Dan

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