Dealing with Krönk Påck

The Scandinavian Collapsible Furniture Emporium, often referred to as Incomprehensibly Komplex and Excruciatingly-annoying Appliances, or IKEA, is well known for its unfathomable flat pack furniture, interesting lamps, and meatballs. An incongruent three, I’m sure you’ll agree – but IKEA does have other characters, both redeeming and not so redeeming. We’ll look at these in detail below.

From the moment you enter an IKEA, you relinquish all human rights and submit yourself to the overarching principal, normally the store manager, but should be referred to as Lord SKURVSTA should you ever meet one. The SKURVSTAs like order and systematisation and as such, have designed their temples around an irreproachable one-way system. Should you stray from the system, or try to travel against the flow, the IKEA security force, called MONGSTAD, will repeatedly KLACK you round the back of the HEDDA until either; you get back on to the prescribed route, or your HEDDA BJURSTAs all over the BEKVAM. Either is acceptable for the SKURVSTA, as long as the system remains unimpaired.

Assuming that you are the submissive type, there are ways you can enjoy your trip to IKEA, further there are ways you can learn new life skills, too.

It is easy to think of things to do if you’re stuck in an IKEA for a prolonged length of time, that is, other than twisting all the egg timers, stealing all the pencils and setting all the alarm clocks for 10 minutes to close. One such way is to use the ¾-finished rooms to recreate your favourite scenes from films and TV shows. The MONGSTAD don’t particularly like this one, but have been known to turn a blind eye if the re-enactment is superb.

For example there are many modern/futuristic kitchens in which you can recreate your favourite Star Trek bridge scenes. There are many living rooms in which you can re-enact your favourite scenes from TV shows such as Arrested Development, or safe-house interrogation scenes from Spooks. If you are really daring, there are many bedrooms in which you can recreate your favourite murder investigation scenes from shows such as Castle. The MONGSTAD really don’t like the murder/mystery scenes though, and have been known to PUNKT people in the RAMSJOÖ for this, so try this one at your own PERISKA.

IKEA is also a place to learn new life skills. For example, many of the smaller, designer kitchens present the ideal closed arena for new couples to practice their arguing skills, such as: When to, and when not to back down; when and how to bring up a previous altercation; when and for how long to become temporarily celibate; how to avoid bringing up the in-laws, and where bruises and where does not. There is even space to practice your crockery throwing and dodging skills, all in a sterile, safe and friendly environment. When you are finished, the IKEA Elves, or PIXBO as they are known, will provide you with your score as per the internationally recognised scoring system, PAC-UR-BAGS, or ‘Pain in the Arse, Cheating, Undeserving, Ridiculous, (either) Bitch (or) Bastard And Goodbye, Shitbag’ scale (often abbreviated further to simply, TWAT.)

The living rooms also present families with the ideal opportunity to practice sitting close to, but ultimately ignoring each other. These arenas are open so that other families can learn new ways of ignoring each other without having to actually act like a family for even 5 minutes.

IKEA is the perfect place to sit in tranquil thought about the interesting uses of ergonomic elements in contemporary consumer design, and the wonders and complications of Quantum Mechanical Paradoxes imposed upon your new chest of drawers. As you wander the one-way system (taking care not to stray, lest an impending KNUTSTORM rend ÅSUNDEN your JOKKMOKK) you will notice machines inside Perspex boxes. One such machine demonstrates what is known as the SCHLUMBERGERA KATTRUP Paradox. The machine opens and closes the drawer at timed intervals whilst it stows a 5KG bag. When the drawer is closed, you do not know whether or not the weight of the bag has caused the floor of the drawer to collapse, as they often do, so you can only logically presume that it both has and hasn’t collapsed. The only way to know for sure is to wait for the machine to open the drawer to allow you to check.

Before you can create your own KATTRUP Paradox at home, with your new chest of drawers, HESSUM BYGEL’s Uncertainty Principle plays a big role during the building of IKEA furniture. The more you concentrate on the correct dowel, washer and cap combination, the less likely you are to put it in the correct hole, meaning your chest of drawers can’t even get out of the 2nd dimension anyway.



All the words in capitals are genuine IKEA products:

ÅSUNDEN: Basket (series) | BEKVAM: Step Stool | BJURSTA: Table | BYGEL: Container | HEDDA: Curtains | HESSUM: Door Mat | JOKKMOKK: Table | KATTRUP: Rug | KLACK: Tray | KNUTSTORM: Chair | MONGSTAD: Mirror | PERISKA: Vase (series) | PIXBO: Mattress | PUNKT: Castor | RAMSJOÖ: Kitchen | SCHLUMBERGERA: Plant | SKURVSTA: Chair |



This blog posting is entirely fictitious. No likening to an actual IKEA store or persons therein may be drawn.

This blog posting is meant in whole and in part to be jovial and otherwise in jest. It is not intended to discredit, impeach or otherwise harm any particular brand or persons.



This is a post from: “The Guide to Your Life”.


Author: Dan

Share This Post On