The Christmas Story – Part 1
Dec24

The Christmas Story – Part 1

All was not well at the Heaven Complex, North Pole. Last Christmas was God’s last hurrah; it was time to hang up his big red coat and, maybe, trim the beard. For months the Elves wondered who would take over the family business, but try as they might, no one was able to both fill his boots and fly the Sleigh at the same time. Christmas drew ever closer, but still there was no one to deliver the presents. But little did the Elves know...

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Dealing with a Proper Pub – Part 1
Nov18

Dealing with a Proper Pub – Part 1

I have previously posted on the topic of Discotheques, link here, but it dawned on me the other day that although I mentioned proper pubs in Dealing with Discotheques, I was yet to post on the topic of Proper Pubs. So here for your delectation is: The Guide to Your Life: Dealing with a Proper Pub. Imagine if you will, a quiet Sunday afternoon in the country. The hills are rolling, the stream trickles, the local teams are quietly...

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D.I.C.K.S – Part 1

Only a very tiny number of people know that I keep a diary. Here are a few of my favourite entries. This is “The Diary of Incidents Causing Konsiderable Stress | Part 1.”   22 January 2012, 19:51: As I have long suspected, my nausea (and often the cause for the paresthesia) is psychosomatic in nature. The simple act of having a shave and attempting to have a shower–by attempt I mean that I tried to use this new...

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Dealing with Krönk Påck

The Scandinavian Collapsible Furniture Emporium, often referred to as Incomprehensibly Komplex and Excruciatingly-annoying Appliances, or IKEA, is well known for its unfathomable flat pack furniture, interesting lamps, and meatballs. An incongruent three, I’m sure you’ll agree – but IKEA does have other characters, both redeeming and not so redeeming. We’ll look at these in detail below. From the moment you enter an IKEA, you...

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Dealing with Discotheques

I once had the misfortune of allowing myself to be taken to a discotheque or, as I was told to call it, a club. These ‘clubs’ are not like pubs; there is no quiet seat in the corner near the fire with a paper. Rather they are smelly, dark, dirty places with disk jockeys playing bassy noises so loud that they’ll shake the very fillings from your teeth. If, that is, they survive the copious amounts of sugar-filled ‘drinks’ you are...

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Dealing with Raggamuffins | Part 2

Quickly their slink turns into a bound, and like deranged and highly over-sexualised Gibbons they block your path to the local shop. A predicament indeed, and sadly one all too common in this day and age, however all is not lost for the guide will now help you decide which course of action to take. Let us return now to the predicament. ‘What are you lookin’ at you prick?’ bellows one of the Bonobos ‘look at that gay moustache, or lady...

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Dealing with Raggamuffins | Part 1

It is a sad state of affairs when coming face to face with Raggamuffins occurs on a daily basis, however all is not lost, as this helpful guide will now demonstrate. We should first define a Raggamuffin; a Raggamuffin is: Not of Royal descent. Not of other affluent background. Someone who considers street drinking, rowdiness or other such anti-social behaviour to be the norm. Someone who does not consider the consequences of their...

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The Northerner’s Guide to London | Part 3

As you head down from the north on the train, you will notice that it gets busier and busier the closer you get to London. These people are called commuters; they are here for the twice daily herding. Between the hours of 07:30-09:30 and 17:00-20:00 commuters are herded to and from trains, through underground passages and along causeways. After 09:30, commuters are free to do as they please. Many have chosen to work in London so that...

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The Northerner’s Guide To London | Part 2

Contrary to popular opinion, there aren’t actually any tramps in London. Back in ’96, the drinks company Carlsberg started the preliminary steps for their current marketing campaign, “Carlsberg don’t do tramps, but if they did…” by purchasing all of the homeless, licencing and copyrighting them and giving them shelter in Carlsberg approved tube stations. This approach accidentally snowballed into its own perpetual licencing and...

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The Northerner’s Guide To London | Part 1
Jun06

The Northerner’s Guide To London | Part 1

When I think of home, I think of the Pearly Kings and Queens, I think of being surrounded by equally rude and disinterested people, I think of skinheads and the wonderful opportunity of being stabbed-up-the-bracket. It is my expert opinion that you Northerners are never fully prepared before you visit the big city. As such I have taken the time to amass some helpful tips, do’s and don’ts. Firstly, you need to make an...

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